i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
