at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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