tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
