I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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