The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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