The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize