I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
