I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
