I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
