In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
