You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
