Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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