He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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