Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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