If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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