Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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