can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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