I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
