Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
