The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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