it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
MIDGETS
????
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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