Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
