I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
