I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
