You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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