you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
