Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Randomize
