i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize