got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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