dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
