Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
