you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
