Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
