If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
