Just cropdusted the office
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
