Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
