Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
