sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sorry about my life...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
