Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
