Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
