A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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