Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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