we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
