Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Your penis caused this!
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