Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
