nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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