people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
