I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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