gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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