I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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