I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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