complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize