so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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