best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
