What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
