Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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