i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
