what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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