The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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