he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
