I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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