Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
