I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
