I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
