I got chris browned last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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