Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
