i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
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