i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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