i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
