It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
